I want to be able to walk without stumbling. I want to be able to walk more than 50M without aching even more. I want to be able to ride a bike, pedal and motor. I want to ring my friends up and say lets go for a dive. I want to be able to go for a run or a long walk to try get my fitness back. I want to be able to sleep right through the night without going to the loo, or worrying I will wake up wet. I want to be able to wake up in the morning totally refreshed and not aching.
There are several other things I want but I know I will not get any of them. This is not me being down or depressed, just saying a few of the things that go through my mind some days. I know there is no cure for what I have, but I just have to keep hoping there is a scientist out there who will discover a miracle cure for MS.
Despite all this my life is not too bad really. I have a wife who means the world to me, and she does more and more for me and never complains. I live in a really nice bungalow with it’s own pool. I live in a country that has good weather most of the time. I have a job that is not too difficult for me to do most of the time, and it is close to where I live.
I have friends and family who care about me and ask after me to make sure I am okay. I know that there are people there to help me if I ever need it. We are not rich, but we are comfortable (That took a lot of hard work to get to being!)
So, yes I do occasionally feel a bit down and depressed. But all I need to do is look at all I have and then I don’t worry about what I don’t have. I try to make the most of the life I have and I never worry about what is in the future, I live every day as it comes.
A quote I like is, ‘It’s better to burn out than fade away’, not sure where I heard it but I like it anyway. So I will continue pushing myself as much as I can, and I will continue living my life as fully as I can.
As always I will lift both middle fingers and say F U MS!!
Well that’s my rant for today, I will try to get back to story telling in the next blog
Rob :o)
Not wrote a blog in a week, so thought I had better stop being lazy and get back to it! Not sure what I am going to write about yet so will just ramble on till I get an idea.
It has been a fairly average week, nothing stands out for me to talk about. Some days have been better than others, not every day I want to borrow a chainsaw and get rid of the lumps of meat that used to be fairly good legs. There are definitely days I do feel like that though!
My legs are definitely slowly deteriorating. I look back at how I was a year ago and it is quite a difference to me, even 6 months ago really. I was hardly using my stick a year ago, I use it all the time now. I don’t think the aching has gotten any worse, just the wobbliness and distance I can walk.
I have been thinking that in the new year I am going to see about getting a wheelchair and maybe a mobility scooter. At least that way I can get about more, instead of having to drive everywhere and not be able to walk round places. Only thing is it will probably mean Hales will have to push me about sometimes, really hate her having to do more and more for me!
I think that is what frustrates me more than anything, Hales doing more and more. Sitting there watching her doing stuff I should be doing really hurts. I have to admit that that is the only thing so far that has actually made me cry. I have made sure nobody has seen me do that though!
I made and cooked her a quiche the other day, then had to sit and watch her cook a lasagne for my tea as my legs had gone really wobbly and achy. So I had done some good by cooking for her and saving her a job, then she still had to stand there and cook mine!
I reckon if I dwelt on it too much I would quite easily get depressed, sitting there and feeling useless is definitely not something I enjoy. What can I do though? It’s going top get worse and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
It’s just hard to describe how much it tears me up inside to watch Hales having to do such much for me. I have gotten used to how MS affects me but I don’t think I will ever get used to the effect it has on Hales. It’s just not fair, why should something I have make Hales life so bad?
Any way, I had better stop now before I do get depressed or start crying! At work so not what customers want to see when they come in the shop!
Will try to do a less depressing blog next time!
Rob :o)
My Life and My MS 