You don’t see me struggle, I don’t let you.

You don’t see me suffering, I don’t let you.

You don’t see me grimace, I don’t let you.

You don’t see me fall, I don’t let you.

You don’t see me having to take painkillers, I don’t let you.

You don’t see me cry, I don’t let you.

It’s not because I am particularly brave or strong, it’s because it’s the only way I know how to fight the MS. I know I am in for a one sided battle against my MS, that’s fine I know I probably have worse to come. I’m ready for that, I have the positivity and stubbornness to keep on fighting as long and as hard as I can.

I try not to let people worry about me, there are plenty of people out there worse off than me. I can handle it, I’m used to it now. I don’t want loads of sympathy. I know I have loads of support from my family and friends, and I am very thankful for that.

I have moments where I get fed up of continuously fighting, but I will never give up. I’m in this for the long haul, I’ve got the wrong DNA to be defeated easily! I get knocked down but I get up again, you’re never going to keep me down!

So when you see me with a smile on my face, most of the time it’s there especially for you to see. It’s easy to put the smile in place most of the time, all I need to do is remember how much love and support I have!

Enough random waffling for today! 😛

I asked Hales to do me a little bit for my blog a couple of years ago, this is what she wrote!

So I asked a few people to do me guest blogs. And here is the first from Hales, my wife, my very best friend and totally my soulmate!!

I wish I didn’t have MS.
I wish I never had MS.
I wish my MS had stayed at the stage it was 10 years ago.
I wish there was a cure for MS.
I wish I could have just one day off from having MS.

I wish we still lived in Cyprus.
I wish we hadn’t had to move back to the UK, Hales was so happy living in Cyprus and I feel it was mostly my fault we had to move!
I wish I still had my own pool cleaning business in Cyprus. (Best job I have had in my life!)
I wish I could still handle working in the heat cleaning pools every day in Cyprus. (40c regularly in summer)
I wish I could still get the feeling of pride when I had cleanèd a pool and it was spotless!

I wish I could still scuba dive.
I wish I could spend hours taking photos while scuba diving.
I wish we still lived in the bungalow in Protaras, with a nice swimming pool in the garden!
I wish I still helped to look after the colony of stray cats near the bungalow.
I wish I still helped with other stray cats in Cyprus.
I wish I had the money to send to the people still over there helping cats.
I wish I could still work full time and be a bread winner again!

I wish I didn’t have to watch Hales work so hard and have to do so much for me now!

But it is what it is and it’s no good looking backwards, I keep going the best I can and will continue fighting. I can’t change the past and there isn’t a magic fairy or genie to grant wishes! I make the most of what I’ve got and I know I am incredibly lucky to have such a fantastic wife at my side. I have a really good network of friends and family behind me all the way as well, so I keep as positive as possible for everybody.
That was a good rant, think I’ll publish this on my blog!

Rob

I’ve been trying for ages to get back to writing a blog. For some reason even though I get the idea in my head about how to get going again as soon as I sit down and open my blog site my mind goes totally blank and I write nothing!

Almost a year has gone by since I last managed to sit down and get a few of my thoughts written down! It’s time I got myself back in the habit of making time to transfer my thoughts into writing!

My MS is slowly deteriorating, enough for me to notice the changes in my abilities. My walking is definitely getting worse, I can’t walk as far as I could last year. I still walk as much as I can though, I’m not ready to be pushed around everywhere just yet. I have just bought myself a new rollator though, one that can be used as a kind of wheelchair if I need it.

At the moment I’m having some vision problems, not sure if they are MS related or down to some new tablets I have been taking. Ive stopped taking them to try to establish if they are the cause or not. They are for a MS drug trial I started on a few months back so it seemed a good idea to me to try stopping them for a while. If I’m still having problems after a couple of weeks I will presume it’s not the trial drug and possibly restart them.

Having extra tests on my bladder issues at the moment, hopefully something will be sorted soon to try to make it less of a hindrance to everyday life! Apart from that I’m not doing too bad and still fighting.

Well I think I will finish for now and aim to get back into regularly doing a blog! If there is anything you would like to see me write about please let me know, I’m not shy and prepared to discuss anything!

Rob

Hospital appointment this morning at Dermatology dept. Had a lesion removed from my forehead which has been sent off for a biopsy to see if it’s anything nasty! Results back in 4 to 6 weeks.

Not feeling too bad today apart from a sore head and a thumping headache, something I can cope with though.

Didn’t go to the gym this morning, I’ll see how I feel in morning and possibly go. Day of rest won’t hurt I guess.

Rob

I was hoping to get back to doing this regular and continuing my story, it just hasn’t really happened. I thought I might try something different and just do a daily blog, even if it’s just to say how I am feeling, doesn’t have too be loads!

Been to the gym this morning and did my usual workout, bit more achy since I finished so at least I know I tried. Popped to the shop to post a parcel and grab a few bits, then back home to have a chill out and a coffee.

I’ve got a hospital appointment tomorrow morning so I won’t be at the gym. Having a lesion removed from my forehead and sent for biopsy to see if it’s skin cancer or not. Not really too worried about it, it is what it is and I’ll deal with whatever it is when the results are back.

I’m hoping to just do a small blog most days and maybe carry on with my story whenever I’m feeling a bit more in the mood for writing.

So that will do for today, I’m going to try really hard to get something posted every day.

Rob

I’m still here, still fighting and definitely not ready to give in yet! 😁

I kind of lost interest in doing my blog since my last post. I think it was mostly down to writing and obviously reliving losing Jasper and then Garfield so close together! We had them for 14 years, they were our kids and it was devastating when they both left.

I won’t continue with the story this time, this is just to get restarted and back to doing this regularly.

Still living in a nice bungalow on farmland and loving being surrounded by nature. It took us a while to get settled back to life in the UK, but I think we are doing OK now.

I’m going to the gym Monday to Friday most weeks and trying to keep as active as possible. Some days are particularly hard but I go and push myself anyway. 💪

My MS is still deteriorating, nothing I can do about that. I try to stay positive though and keep pushing as much as possible.

Hales is still working full-time, and looking after me a lot more nowadays around work. It does upset me sometimes to see how hard she works and then has to do virtually everything around the house too!

Frustration is definitely the worst part of having MS, wanting to do things you think you should be doing and not being able to. I quite often lose my temper with myself and have even bruised my knuckles from punching the wall!

But it is what it is and I will carry on fighting it and do everything I can to try to slow it down as much as possible.

Well I think I will finish this for today, I just wanted to get back to it and show that I am still here. I will try to continue my story next time and get a bit closer to the present day.

Back soon

Rob 😁👍

So it was early 2009, we had lost Jasper to illness and Garfield was not doing great either. Cookie was still a kitten really, but she had learnt to boss our 2 male cats fairly early on. I think she did miss Jasper when he was gone, Garfield definitely missed his brother as he would wander around alot as if searching for him.

We started to get as settled as we could in the new place, even though from the very start there Hales didn’t really like the place. She couldn’t really put her finger on the reason why, but it was obvious to me she wasnt totally settled there.

Garfield continued to amaze me at how quickly he adapted to the new place, and managed to get around being totally blind by then. We were taking him to the vets regularly for check ups and it was at one of these that the vet told us his kidneys were starting to totally fail. We were told that he would be starting to suffer because of this and that was one thing i would never let my cat go through.

So we made the extremely difficult decision to end his suffering and let him go. Garfield had always been my cat and Jasper more Hales cat. No particular reason for this, it was just the way it was. If I thought it had been hard holding Jasper while he was put to sleep I was in for a huge shock having to do it with Garfield!

It genuinely broke my heart, holding him and feeling his little heart take it’s last beat and him take his last breath. That was definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, I am actually in tears right now trying to write this!

I was still working hard running my business, and I was still managing to get some scuba diving in as well. I was starting to notice that I was struggling a little bit with moving about with all my diving gear on, but not enough at that time to stop me.

I was helping a friend when she was teaching new divers so that gave me chance to carry on with my diving and take loads of photos which was the thing I really enjoyed while scuba diving. I was still improving my diving qualifications and was starting to do my rescue diver course.

Well I think that will do for today, I will continue this soon. Need to go wipe my eyes from all the tears anyway!!

Rob

Well I’ve had several weeks away from writing anything on my blog, some of it down to a bit of writers block some of it because I’ve been ill.

I’ve sat down quite a few times to restart the writing and ended up doing nothing as my mind was totally blank! I didn’t fancy just writing total rubbish so just left it when nothing was coming to me.

I’ve had a cough and a cold for just over a week now. The first couple of days were the worst, because I was quite down with having the cold it was affecting my MS. My balance was really bad and I fell onto the floor and then couldn’t’ get myself back up.

I had been trying to head to the toilet for a wee, so falling over and then not being able to get back up was not good. I suffer from urgency anyway and I guess being ill was affecting that too. Basically I was trying to crawl through to the loo, but I wasn’t quick enough and ended up having an accident. Not the first time I’ve ended up wetting myself but because I wasn’t feeling great it just made me feel really bad.

Crawling around on the floor, having no strength to get myself up was definitely not a great feeling. It kind of made me realise that this was probably what I’ve got to look forward too as my MS deteriorates. That made me feel quite down at the time, and I guess even slightly worried with how much worse my life could get!

I get more worried with what impact my deteriorating health is going to have on Hales than myself really. It’s just not fair in my opinion that Hales is having to deal with all the hurdles that are coming up because of MS. She just gets on with it though, never really complaining.

Luckily the worst of the cold was only the first couple of days, and just settled down to a normal cough and cold after that. I can deal with that, it’s when it’s causing my MS symptoms to play up that I struggle. It has dragged on a bit though, just the last bit of the cough to clear now.

Well that will do for today, at least I’ve managed to get a bit done for my blog. I’m determined to get back to getting stuff on here regular again, need to get the story more up to date anyway!

Rob

So I asked a few people to do me guest blogs. And here is the first from Hales, my wife, my very best friend and totally my soulmate!!